Vampire's Kiss

How could somebody misfile Vampire’s Kiss as a comedy? Just put it in the file according to alphabetical order! You know, ABCDEFGHIJLKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ! THAT’S ALL YOU HAVE TO DO!

Nicolas Cage is Peter Loew, a yuppie New York City literary agent who occasionally speaks in a weirdly british, upper-crusty accent. A young gadabout who enjoys prowling local night spots to lure women to his posh brownstone abode. In other words, a US Senator in the making.

One particular evening of drinking finds him stumbling home with a young woman in tow. Things start getting hot and heavy, when all of a sudden an owl (or possibly a winged sewer rat) swoops in through the window and cockblocks him. So he fights off the avian, which (as he confesses to his analyst) apparently turns him on?

Another night out, another club finds him another young woman (lovely Miss Jennifer Beals), whom he takes home for a roll in the sack. She turns the tables on him and brandishes a lovely set of canines to drink his blood, which he’s totally into. As a result, we the audience get to witness 60+ minutes of an absolute treasure trove of overreactions by genius actor Nicolas Cage.

crazy eyes

(no comment necessary)

At the office, Nic employs a homely secretary Alva – whom he mercilessly taunts, berates & eventually rapes (spoiler). His interaction with her provides for some of the most hilariously uncomfortable scenes in cinematic history.

Infuriated over her inability to track down a missing contract, he becomes increasingly enraged with Alva. At one point, he calls out for her from his office and after she refuses to reply, he jumps on top of her desk and shouts down to her “There you are!” and chases her into the Ladies Bathroom (the guys in the office all have a good laugh about it later on).

He just gets crazier and crazier, which just makes it funnier and funnier. He goes completely unhinged after reading a letter of rejection and trashes his apartment. He goes on an insane rant about the alphabet and how he’s never misfiled anything, ever. Then he tries to apologize to Alva with this explanation: “That mescaline, strange stuff. I’ll never do THAT again…” After that, he breaks into the most bizarre monologue about how he’s torturing her in searching for that missing contract. He even goes as far to track her down at home after she calls off (out of fear), then lures her back to work – screaming at her in the cab ride back.

As he decends into this ridiculous madness, he is visited by Jennifer Beals who sucks the sanity out of his carotid artery. At one point, he catches and eats a cockroach. Convinced he’s become a vampire, he hallucinates that he can’t see his reflection in a mirror (which we can clearly see) and even runs around the city declaring to all “I’M A VAMPIRE! I’M A VAMPIRE!”

He buys a set of plastic vampire teeth, eats a pigeon and converts his sofa into a makeshift coffin to sleep in all day. At night, he lurks around a dance club and corners a woman doing lines in the back and proceeds to sink those plastic pearly whites into her neck to drink her blood. Then Jennifer Beals shows up and shits all over his parade, calling him a phony. He goes crazy in the middle of the club, calling her a cunt and screams about her teeth to everyone.


(It’s a bitch flossing those things…)

Nic then goes completely off the rails, approaching random people on the street to drive a giant wooden stake through his heart. Then there’s a really weird scene that cuts between him talking to himself and him talking to his analyst. He casually admits to rape, murder and turning into a vampire and she sets him up with another patient. So, he takes this illusion by the arm and brings her back to his place. This hallucinogenic honeymoon is short lived, as he begins yelling at this imaginary woman.


(Just another day in the Big Apple)

Meanwhile, Alva’s big brother breaks in, looking to exact revenge on the hell Nic has put his sister through. So what does Nic do? He presses the giant wooden stake against his chest and Big Bro slams it through.

Jennifer Beals pops in.

The End.


I guess this is a comedy. A very dark comedy. Whether it was intended or not, who knows, but I found myself laughing hysterically at points in this movie. There isn’t a clear cut tone throughout, it’s very scatterbrained. Had it picked a direction and ran with it, it might have been pretty good. As is, I feel it’s an awful movie with some brilliant moments. Watch and enjoy.

1.5 out of 3 Cinnamon Bears

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