poster

I picked this movie to watch this evening because I thought it would be silly and awful. It isn’t either one of those things, not in any large quantities at least. However, it did fall into one of my pet peeves in movie genres – the looming environmental catastrophe caused by us evil humans. I can’t argue with the politics & facts – they’re right, we’re f-cking up our planet. But there’s seemingly no way to adapt those concepts into a quality film.

So how did Alien Visitor screw it up? 

An old woman sits down by a campfire, spinning a yarn for two young girls. She tells us about a very hot, very naked alien lady who lands in the Australian outback Terminator-style and stares up at the sky as the Earth spins around rapidly for 8 minutes of the movie. Eventually she slows down time and shamelessly appears in front of the luckiest guy down under, who then foolishly insists on covering her up with a shirt.

no dude!

(dammit man, don’t hide the best parts of the movie!)

Being a super-advanced alien being, she’s forced to lower her intellect to communicate with this Aussie and figure out where in the Universe she is. When he says they’re on Earth, she gets pissed off and starts throwing things at the guy because he’s a damn wasteful Earthling. She gets all uppity, telling him she must escape this rock because humans are stupid – like frogs swimming in boiling water. F- her. She doesn’t even like Bacon! 

He dresses her up in a matching outfit (to get back at her I guess).

cute, they match

(His shorts are shorter than hers, because this movie hates us all)

So she teleports him all over the place and screws with time, then he figures out how to it and goes to Las Vegas to gamble. Then they go to smoggy Los Angeles for the obligatory Eco-Rant. She tells us that aliens don’t want anything to do with us humans because they think we’re beyond help (that means all those ‘anal probings’ that happen down south need some explanation).

They roam around the outback waxing poetic about how humans wrecked the planet. Then she wants a relationship, but lays down a bunch of rules. She tells him to give her his belt so she can look sexier and he’ll like her more. Right off the bat things get rocky. She wants to leave the planet and he wants her to put out. So she forces him to give her a play-by-play of his moves, which shrivels up his libido right quick.

Then he takes her to his favorite tree and what does she do? Chop it the f-ck down, while he stands there moping around. So he breaks up with her and they part ways. She suddenly changes her mind, goes back in time to when they first started their relationship and takes over for herself. Then they make out as the world spins around crazy fast.

She finally is able to tolerate him enough to forget how much of a terrible planet destroyer he is, when her alien pals track her down. She disappears Left Behind-style, her clothes dropping to the ground in a neat pile. The dude then makes it his plight to eliminate pollution and according to the campfire lady, he succeeds. Yea for us!

Alien Visitor (a.k.a. Epsilon) is beautifully shot, but the in-camera special effects get a little janky in spots. It feels like it was made in 1987 instead of 1997. The unnamed man and woman act well enough, but the bullshit story plays out like a feature-length PSA about conservation from some snotty college kids. I agree with the overall message, I’m just saying can’t someone find a way to make a GOOD movie out of it?

Or maybe just stop making movies and actually do something about it.

2 out of 3 Cinnamon Bears. 

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