Set Up poster

Wow, look at all that star power on that poster up there! Why haven’t I heard of this movie before? Because someone’s publicist did their job by burying this turd.

This epic thriller starts out with Ryan Phillippe, thugged out, strutting out of prison after visiting his despicably racist old man. He’s trying to keep him out of general population, cause he’s the friendly type who’ll beat you till you’re teeth poke out of your butt if you look at him wrong.

Curtis ‘50-Cent’ Jackson is out in his classic GTO waiting for him. Fiddy is a criminal with discriminating taste and style.

new watch alert

(New watch alert – Hublot)

Ryan Phillippe, Fiddy and his boy roll up on a limo – in broad daylight in downtown Detroit. They bust a window and cut off a briefcase full of diamonds handcuffed to a dude then shoot him in the head. Fiddy ain’t happy about all that. So Ryan Phillippe pops a cap in Fiddy and his boy, but Fiddy ain’t dead – his cross chain partially stops the bullet.

Then we meet a bunch of characters that are important enough to get their own freeze-frame title cards, most importantly Randy Couture as THE MUSCLE & Bruce F-cking Willis as THE MOB BOSS. Fiddy want’s revenge on Ryan Phillippe and Willis vows to help, providing he and Randy can snatch a bag of cash from some Russians in a graveyard. Their mission a success, they head out to some dude’s house to score some victory weed. The guy has a bunch of guns lying around, and Randy Couture can’t help but put his grubby little hands all over them. He ends up shooting himself in the head.

Randy don't play with guns

(Guns are cool!)

So, they call THE WOLF – no wait, that’s from a way better movie.

Fiddy goes to THE BUTCHER, a british guy who uses some giant knives to carve up Randy with glee then turns him into hamburger.

Bruce Willis goes on a rant about how he loves newspapers and is pissed that they’re going to stop printing them.

The only way this movie could get worse is if Channing Tatum showed up. BUT WAIT, his wife stars as Ryan Phillippe’s sister who gets thrown around like a rag doll as a bad guy destroys their apartment and kills her.

Jenna Tatum

(Their offspring will be the worst actors known to man)

A bunch of boring, pointless stuff happens, the highlight of which is when Ryan Phillippe’s dad gets brutally shanked in prison (Finally, something for the audience to cheer about!)

Then finally, Fiddy, Ryan Phillippe, Bruce Willis and a bunch of gangsters have their showdown – a bizarre shootout scene where everyone but Fiddy and Ryan Phillippe shoot each other. There’s a foot chase, Ryan Phillippe gets hit by a car and the windshield digitally shatters. Fiddy finally pistol-whips him (his 10th pistol-whipping of the film) and he makes him dig his own grave. But Ryan Phillippe mouths off and Fiddy shoots him in the gut, leaving him to live or die (he doesn’t care).

Cryin' Ryan

(Cryin’ Ryan tries to go H.A.M. Epic Fail.)

This movie is written awful, acted awful and shot REALLY awful. Anytime there’s supposed to be a tense moment, or whenever the camera operator feels like it, there’s a miniature snap zoom in (just enough to be annoying, but not enough to shake you out of boredom).

3 out of 3 dried up old diamond crusted Cinnamon Bears for Set Up.