Rhinestone Poster

A lot of bad movie ideas were spawned while doing lines in a seedy bathroom stall back in the early 1980’s. “Man, wouldn’t it be funny to see John Rambo trying to sing country music with Dolly Parton? HAHAHAHA, YEAHTHATWOULDBEREALLYF-CKINGFUNNY! LIKEREALLYF-UCKINGFUNNY! WOO!” 

With that dream, a rolled up $20 bill and some fine columbian imported, a classic awful movie was born. Of course, it’d be libelous of me to assume the writers were on drugs, so we’ll just pretend that happened (despite how probable it may seem).

Rhinestone opens with a montage of the great country music capitol of America – New York City. The lovely and talented Miss Dolly Parton greets us with song, as she performs in front of a packed house at the film’s namesake country music club. It would seem that Miss Dolly is the lone shining star at this establishment, all other acts being booed and heckled relentlessly by the discerning Manhattan country music crowd. So the owner challenges her to find any idiot the street and teach them to sing good.

Enter Sly Stallone.

Fashionista Sly

(Sexiest Cabbie since Travis Bickle)

Sly is a crazy cabbie who hauls Japanese tourists around the Big Apple, his driving is just as bad as his singing abilities. So, the very talented Miss Dolly takes him back to her hometown of Whatever, Tennessee to train him in the dark arts of honky tonk; riding a cow, chopping wood & stepping in horse shit. The locals cozy up to him, fascinated by his big city style. They ask him things like “What does it feel like to shoot up Heroin?” (Literally, no joke). It’s riveting cinema.

Miss Dolly distills as much singing talent that is humanly possible out of him. Pure, unfiltered awful oozes from the screen and speakers as Sly “sings” a ridiculous song in an equally ridiculous getup.

Sly

(Hey-yo, Yee-Haw)

So, their training at an end, it comes time to go back and prove himself up on the big stage. Sly, for some crazy reason, develops an ego and gloats over his newly developed abilities. Bubbly, talented Miss Dolly wisely knocks him down to size and he goes all emo and storms off. But when it comes time for him to get up and sing, he has a change of heart and seeks out Dolly. 

Duded up in sequins and tassels, he jacks a horse with a neon sign on its ass and rides through Times Square to find Dolly.

Giddyup

(Yes, this happened.)

They go back to the club, Sly sings a song, wins over the rowdy crowd, Dolly gets up on stage and they sing a duet, they kiss, freeze frame, credits. Blah, blah, blah. 

Some would think this “Fish out of Water” story is funny. It isn’t. It’s really insulting. Movies that base humor on stereotypes don’t work 99 out of 100 times. Rhinestone transcends the run-of-the-mill B-movie awful into a dark and painful circle of awful hell. Dolly Parton is not to blame. Though I personally don’t care for country music, she’s got a fantastic voice and managed to act without ACTING! (Her talents were pouring out all over the place as well, the only visually appealing thing about the movie)

Stallone is horrendous. He doesn’t know what to do without boxing gloves or machine guns in his fists. He apparently turned down Romancing the Stone AND Beverly Hills Cop to do this movie. Although, who among us would turn down a rom-com with Dolly Parton? She’s a class lady though, so no boobs in this one. Might have been a good thing, she could have poked some eyes out, those things are dangerous.

2 1/2 out of 3 Cinnamon Bears.